i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
