I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
