Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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