He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
