Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
