also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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