put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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