are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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