Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
