Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
