I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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