we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
