apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize