thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
