Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
