good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
