He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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