you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
