hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
