you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
