I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
