I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!