hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
