Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.