He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize