I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
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Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible