Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
