If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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