Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
