So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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