he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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