Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
