we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
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He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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