I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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