I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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