I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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