Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sober January is a disaster.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Randomize
