I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
