My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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