The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
