yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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