I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
