I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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