Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
