But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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