You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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