I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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