No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
