She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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