I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
