hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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