considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
