Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
