I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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