literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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