I have demons in me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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