her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
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We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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