Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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