you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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